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Post by Deleted on Feb 24, 2015 20:10:26 GMT -4
Before you begin this journey into a former feral troll's mind, let me tell you a few things before you begin. If you, the mun; read this but not the character, this is knowledge only you are aware of. Not your character until they read her journal - which mind you is difficult of getting ahold of unless you either pry it out of her claws or sneak into her room while she's sleeping and know exactly where it is - both of which I do not recommend unless you want her to either go hunt one of your characters down and immediately start mindlessly hating. Then I would recommend it.
While I'm on this topic of my character, this also will show character development that I, myself cannot show in roleplays usually due to her dense and stubborn nature. Any influx of activity with this character that leaves a big impact will wind up being mentioned at one point - or several if a character is being a jerk to her or anyone close. This journal is supposed to be a leatherbound book and it is somewhere on the server disguised as multiple books for multiple entries. This also will appear on the blog I am running that is an in character ask blog (Which can be found here)
With that, let's start the madness; turn down the lights and light a few candles, grab some tea and get in a comfy chair. Your going to need to be in a reading mood for this.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 24, 2015 21:39:03 GMT -4
Journal Entry 1,
Life has become dull since the one whom keeps my inner demons at bay has vanished. I wish that I could've fallen as well, but instead I fall with my mind; the weight of leadership on my very shoulders. Even though I am a brute, I myself am not mentally strong. I seek guidance, signs, anything that tells me that things will be fine. I cling to hope yet already feel death in the air. This place is so empty, so void of life that I refuse to cry; but I cannot hold back much more. Please, I need a sign that things will be okay. I miss his smile, the way he talks, how he acts all prim and proper... I guess I could say I'm trying to be the better half at this point... guising myself as someone smarter than I...
-BC
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Post by Deleted on Feb 24, 2015 21:41:35 GMT -4
Journal Entry 2,
Give to life and life will give either positivity or negativity in heaps. I see now life is a roulette of sorts... And I have the misfortune to have the bullet each time, but will I continue to smile and hope the next is blank? Most definately, despite my run in with less than savory people - DEMONA - I will continue to act as a positive role model. A guide of some sorts...
Aelarios, please guide me for I am blind mentally.
-BC
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Post by Deleted on Feb 24, 2015 21:43:25 GMT -4
Journal Entry 3,
I still regret telling him that I lived under the blanket of the stars, even now even if it is freezing cold outside; the physical pain would be much more lovely and comforting than this empty, silent hive. He may be dead and I fear it.
-BC
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Post by Deleted on Feb 24, 2015 21:45:52 GMT -4
Journal Entry 4,
Who am I kidding? He's smarter than I, of course he can survive... He has to, right? I know it's stupid to second guess myself and loose what little hope I have left but I cannot help it! I was built for fighting things physically, not mentally! Not emotionally! Goodness heavens me not emotionally, I am a train wreck; aren't I? Why can't people see that loosing someone after learning to trust someone with your life is hard? In this society it is wrong to feel. I'm sorry.
-BC
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Post by Deleted on Feb 24, 2015 21:49:28 GMT -4
Journal Entry 5,
Goddess Aelarois please give me the strength where I lack it... I am loosing my temper as well as my mind, I know it; I can see it after I find my way back to sanity. Even now I fear my sanity is failing me, rendering me useless. He taught me how to act like a normal being instead of a savage. Shown me kindness when no one else would. All would treat me like a barkbeast until he had shown me the way to being sane, being possibly normal or at least appearing to be.
Now that he's away I can feel the demon returning once more, I dreaded the day that it would rear it's foul face to frighten me to death, or worse.
Aelarois, please guide me for my rage is getting the better of me.
-BC
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Post by Deleted on Feb 24, 2015 21:51:28 GMT -4
Journal Entry 6,
I miss him, when will he return? I sit here in silence as I scrawl into paper and pen, but this does not help me. Pardon me, but I must go train; maybe this may clear my noisy head.
-BC
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Post by Deleted on Feb 24, 2015 21:53:05 GMT -4
Journal Entry 7,
It did not clear my head as I hoped, why won't anything work? I wish to let go of the past but this headache says otherwise.
-BC
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Post by Deleted on Feb 24, 2015 21:54:14 GMT -4
Journal Entry 8,
I have found out that sitting by the pool is the most calming, despite my slight fear. I guess it brings back good memories despite the whole 'breaking everything' incident.
-BC
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Post by Deleted on Feb 24, 2015 21:55:37 GMT -4
Journal Entry 9,
Finally made use of the spare respiteblock and have claimed it as my own for now, until I get back onto my feet...
I hate living off of others. It gives them an advantage if they ever wanted me dead.
-BC
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Post by Deleted on Feb 24, 2015 21:56:24 GMT -4
Journal Entry 10,
Still miss him, but at least I have a place to hide away for now... I've been trying to make myself smarter for the time being so these entries will make more sense and less jumble.
-BC
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Post by Deleted on Feb 24, 2015 22:00:40 GMT -4
Journal Entry 11,
Still going to write even if my thinkpan is completely empty or just filled with noise. I can't tell which is which anymore. If anything, life's just harder than normal; which I don't get at all..
I lived on my own before, rarely without any aid; which was mildly difficult, and now I've moved to a place where I don't have to fight off the many monsters in troll skins. Or as others would say, howlbeasts in woolbeast's wear. And now, I'm here in this place where things are always the same temperature, no monsters can get in... but it's the silence that once never bothered me that is paining me.
I don't understand this at all.
-BC
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Post by Deleted on Feb 24, 2015 22:04:18 GMT -4
Journal Entry 12,
Even now, I still can't get his memory out of my head... He deserved better than Dharak, from what I can tell from the blueblood he has too much of himself and unawareness of other people's sentience. My moirail deserved better than someone like that. I know in the past I've messed up too... but I'm still in the process of fixing myself...
I still miss him.
Briana, what are you doing; you're a leader, a moirail. Stop falling for things that will most likely will never be. He will never see you how you see him.
Get back to training, you need to clear your head.
-BC
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Post by Deleted on Feb 24, 2015 22:08:16 GMT -4
Journal Entry 13,
Now I understand how the Beast had felt in that mansion of his own creation, although he had everything; the sound of the silence is deafening and above all else, depressing.
I would speak with others, but they wouldn't care for someone like me.
At least the purpleblood isn't assaulting me with his presence anymore... I'm at least glad that the purpleblood is gone from my life. I could not take much more or my progress would be all for naught.
All the knowledge that I've acquired, tossed out the window because someone couldn't take a bloody hint or get away as a clear answer as the night's luminance.
-BC
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Post by Deleted on Feb 24, 2015 22:10:41 GMT -4
Journal Entry 14,
I really just need to get outside more, maybe this whole situation in my think pan will blow over and I won't need to fret as much... Who am I trying to fool, I'll worry regardless. Even if I keep my thoughts at bay, they keep coming back to the forefront when I'm alone in this huge hive.
I need to get back to training before I end up breaking into tears again. If anyone heard of this, I wouldn't hear the end of it.
-BC
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