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Post by Deleted on Feb 24, 2015 22:11:40 GMT -4
Journal Entry 15,
[It's pages are scribbled out, illegible. Most likely edited by the former feral.]
-BC
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Post by Deleted on Feb 24, 2015 22:13:18 GMT -4
Journal Entry 16,
Okay, my thinkpan is slowly calming down; but I'm not over it, I don't think I ever will be over it actually. I just hope to goodness that no one brings up his name or I will break down.
-BC
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Post by Deleted on Feb 24, 2015 22:16:30 GMT -4
Journal Entry 17,
Been wondering why trolls even bother looking classy, but as a joke or as an expirement; I will try to look "high class" for once... Even though how much I view dresses as an impractical fighting outfit... I'll try it anyway.
I mean last time I had one relatively nice was the Masquerade incident - VARICH caused.
I need to calm down... I wonder where Vergil keeps his tea, that I've figured out keeps me relatively calm in times of violent tendencies.
-BC
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Post by Deleted on Feb 24, 2015 22:17:46 GMT -4
Journal Entry 18,
Okay, I figured out that camomile tea is actually quite decent... It's keeping my anger at bay for now, but Lemon Balm is pretty good as well...
Still needs plenty of sugar, regardless of the type.
-BC
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Post by Deleted on Feb 24, 2015 22:19:21 GMT -4
Journal Entry 19,
Note to self, coffee is DISGUSTING. Even with sweetener or creamer until it's yellow as the paper it still doesn't taste quite right.
-BC
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Post by Deleted on Feb 24, 2015 22:23:53 GMT -4
Journal Entry 20,
I continue to write and stay up for my studies, so I can learn at least how to defend myself verbally. I dislike relying on others to do things for me. The silence is still here, but I try to drown it out by sitting out at the padio near the front yard; it at least gives me a good view of the place without being cooped up all the time, and it's good for tea as well.
At least I have a place to stay, that's all I must say for now. I miss him regardless of my conditioning at the time being.
Also, dancing still isn't my best forte. I've tripped numerous times over my own feet or merely air as I try to practice, but I will continue none the less until he returns hive.
-BC
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Post by Deleted on Feb 24, 2015 22:28:40 GMT -4
Journal Entry 21,
So I have to be here again, which I do not know many people this time... Kind of a shame really, Vergil's tent is even here but not here to celebrate the new sweep. Oh well... I'll get over it.
I don't really care for the loud noises either, but I must endure them for the public's sake. Even how there is more than enough trolls to drive me nuts, I must bite my tongue and keep quiet. Everytime I dare open my mouth to speak, something always go awry or someone thinks that I am trying to start trouble. Really, I am just trying to make amends and be kind. Clearly an ex-feral troll like myself cannot handle that on my own.
-Briana C.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 24, 2015 22:35:06 GMT -4
Journal Entry 22,
Maybe things will get better, if I revise my training I could block out the lack of noise with some action... I don't know. I'm having doubts, but I think it's just how Dharak keeps referring us both as exes even though there is no clear break in the diamond again. But I must be strong, have faith. Quit moping and try coping.
I'll keep the hive up as well, Batdaddy seems pretty nice to me as it seems. It's a nice change from all the bites. No more bite wounds around my stomach and waist, and even this environment I've been taking for granted up until now has been so productive with my mind as well as emotionally.
I thought that I was just another beast, but for once I feel like a troll. I know how to write and read some things... communicate... the only thing that I really must worry about is my anger... my beast side. Or maybe it's my temper? I'm not sure. All I am sure of is this is a lot better than the lateral of what I used to deal with. Although I miss the hunting and the blacksmithing, it's fine.
I'd choose this any night over what I used to put up with.
-Briana C.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 24, 2015 22:41:00 GMT -4
Journal Entry 23,
I don't understand. Two other trolls have admitted they have red feelings for me and I don't really know them well... I'm so confused. Why can't things be simple? I don't know!
I need time to think things through instead of feeling so stupid. Kureve - one of the two trolls that admitted to feeling red for me - has been helping me improve in my handwriting. At least I can look at the papers I write and think I am useful for something aside from fighting people for reasons unknown to even I.
Also, I have been visiting the archive and have been practicing writing them down as well. There seems to be a lot of information stored within the archive. Maybe I could make myself smart in not social interactions or media... but media that has been past or events before I was here.
I think it was something akin to history? But I remember the memory that Aelarois shared with me of Vergil's starting care for Trividir. When he said that he hated women... I don't know what I felt entirely, but it hurt like hell itself. It was if someone stronger than myself punched me in the gut and at the same time feeling dreadfully ill while drowning.
Ugh, why is everything so confusing... Also, I have to go to the free market soon to fetch more tea... I think I could pick out the right ones by the colors of the boxes. Or maybe the scent. I don't know, wish me luck I guess.
-Briana C.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 24, 2015 22:44:08 GMT -4
Journal Entry 24,
Finished the construction on the Isolation Room, which is right above this desk; not sure what to put up there aside from the basic needs when I go into isolation. I'll update this as I go.
-Briana C.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 24, 2015 22:48:38 GMT -4
Journal Entry 25,
Happy Pale Day, I guess... I've stayed around the Haunted Mansion and spoken with the wriggler spirit; as well as conversed with Aelarois. Today's the one sweep anniversary between Vergil and I...
I can't really send anything, or know if he's alive; but I know this. I care about him and I might be crushing red, but it's aside the factor. The key factor is that I care deeply for him. I just hope I get to see him again soon.
I don't know what to do or how to celebrate or commemorate such a big milestone....
Maybe something he can keep as a memento and won't rot by the time he gets back? I don't know.
Pale for you, Vergil. Sorry that I couldn't catch you in time. But with that, I realized my purpose in life. To protect the citizens of Nouva and my quadrants even more so.
When can I see you again?
-Briana Ceresk
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Post by Deleted on Feb 24, 2015 22:51:06 GMT -4
Journal Entry 26,
Confusion. So much confusion. I don't know what to do Too many questions and asking me to make decisions based off of nothing. I can't understand.
Why... I don't even.... Someone just please... help me.
I can't calm down, I can't breathe right! The only thing I can think of doing right now is digging my claws into the nearest living thing and tearing it to shreds. I can't handle the pressure anymore. Someone, please, help.
Anyone? Please?
Nevermind...
Just go.
-Briana Ceresk
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Post by Deleted on Feb 24, 2015 22:56:09 GMT -4
Journal Entry 27,
Even more confusion, but at least I have Kur to help me understand. My handwriting's getting better and so is my cooking... But I can't help but feel like something - or someone is missing.
I should be happy, but this is confusing me even more. Why does my blood pusher still ache as if someone was taken from me?
Ugh, need more fury-containing things... Running out of my own things to break.
Already broke my own tea cups that I had made... Still have to bandage my hands.... I'll do that later. Already tore apart my punching bag...
I need a place where I can truly calm down and let the feral out but really, I doubt it will be long before someone finds that and tears it apart too. At least I kept my anger in check when Lucian showed up. Or that'd be more blood on my claws than needed be.
I wonder if the Guardian had problems like this.
-Briana Ceresk
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Post by Deleted on Feb 24, 2015 23:10:08 GMT -4
Journal Entry 28,
I keep doubting he's alive... he should be alive! And if he is, we should have him by now! What are we even trying to locate him with and why is it taking so damn long? He's probably lost, cold and hungry... and all I can do is sit in wait idly. I loathe this emptiness that fills this space like a damn ocean.
I can't do this shit and I HATE THIS. I'm nothing but a mutt that can't do anything to protect her moirail from the inevitable. I hate this... I want to forget my mistake. I want to forget that he's missing, or better yet; keep my sanity from leaking onto the surface.
I pray at this next meeting may we draw closer to where he is. I hate being so lonesome. His absence is more anger inducing than those that drive me to madness and back, I want to believe that he's alive somewhere; he has to be.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 24, 2015 23:28:26 GMT -4
Journal Entry 29,
I know the Guardian and I are not one and the same but I cannot shake the feeling that her and I are not too different. We fell for those that most likely will never truly love us back. Not only that, but be betrayed by our own people, to freeze in the cold winter alone.
Sure, she is my ancestor; and sure, she is most likely dead unless transported from the past... before her death. Maybe I feel like I know her better since her and I's pasts are not too far fetched from eachother.
Both have stark similarities but one did not find the comfort in a moirail but found the comfort two others similar to my own vast confusion with red quadrants. Maybe I'm a bit crazy, or the prolonged silence is driving me to think things that aren't necessarily true.
Or maybe I'm driving myself to think that way too much to distract myself from the mere factor of maybe I do feel red for two people. One simply because I have known him for so long and wish I could show him the better side of life that some seem to not see without aid... and the other simply because he knows the difference between how stupid I can really be and how much true potential I have, not judging a book by it's binding or it's cover but simply by the content and silver lining. The words printed on the inside.
It's story and it's mood... That's what really matters, doesn't it? The content of the book makes the book, but the cover only sells it. Sure I don't appear to care much around the others; but truth be told, I care a lot for others and want to protect them from apparent danger. And yet, I do the opposite, scare people away.
I just hope that I can find the right words to explain this all. How everything is. How Nouva truly is the most confusing and yet the most simple thing since I've hatched.
How I've come to know the most kind hearts the world may ever see... and yet the most vile creatures in trollian guises. Sure I may write better than when I first started, but I still lack the knowledge needed to convey what the hell's going on inside my thinkpan. I want to write these down so later I can look back and understand what's going on. What happened.
And maybe, just maybe have the words to explain to another how I truly feel. Even then, I do not believe that there are words to explain what truly lies just beneath the surface of this terrible monster that has tried to fit into trollian clothing.
As the story goes, as old as time....
Beauty and the Beast, only now the Beauty is halfwat missing... the Beast's mind has fled, leaving nothing left but the instinct of a monster.
-Briana Ceresk
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